Yeah, it was perfect until the end. Apparently women are super attracted to me until the sleeping with part.
fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Forgot my sound was off and didnt even realize it until halfway through because I thought I could hear it. I think high me just narrated half a clip of adventure time
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
SHE MASTURBATED TO THE THOUGHT OF ME HAVING AN ALL DUDE THREESOME WITH HER EX BOYFRIENDS.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
i'm trying not to stalk him on facebook
i gave in
Randomize
