Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
Our relationship needs a sober moment
I'll call you when that happens
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
So now I have had sex with 2 people my son graduated high school with.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Just used a NyQuil cup to take a shot. This night is headed nowhere good.
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