i don't remember her name, but i don't need it unless we decide to hook up again. but even then, i can get away with not knowing it for a while. it's not like we have actual conversations.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
My vagina smells like strawberry tangerine twist.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Just got the test results back; apparently I'm red-green colorblind. this explains the past 18 years of my life and i'm wondering why i didn't realize this sooner
Just a little drinking. So much fun and love. The world is a shiny wonderful sphere in the sky so why shouldn't we celebrate?
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
Randomize
