After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
I just compared his sexting to a plate of spaghetti. And he STILL wants to sleep with me.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
One less thong to worry about.
One less *thing! But probably that too.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
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