if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
I don't think its a good idea if I moon a whole bar again
Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"
no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
Props to the guy on crutches playing edward forty hands. Dedicated to drinking games is an understatement.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I'm still drunk. I put on workout clothes this morning and just puked in my bathroom. That's the same as going to the gym, right?
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Someone stole a lamp last night.
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I don't know man. She said my cock made her promises my heart couldn't fulfill.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
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