The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
Some one left their pants in the elevator.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
whose ass print is on the piano?
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I think I left my chapstick at your house when I tried using your penis as a catapult and flung it on the floor. Be a dear, and try to see if you can find it.
Just called a girl a cunt over peanuts. I think we both know it wasn't just about the peanuts.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Then again I went over his house after not hanging out since kindergarten and tried to fuck him so maybe I'm partially to blame here
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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