Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
If only I could bank my drunk hookups for a sober IOU.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
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