Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
I've been on the cocaine and semen diet for the last 24 hours, lunch sounds great.
Randomize
