Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was
He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.
karaoke mosh pit has descended into fisticuffs, send backup
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
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