My boss' voice literally gives me gas
...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
I've been here 20 minutes and some creepy old man told me he wanted to know what my insides felt like. I hate gay bars.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I also made him write a nonfiction romance novel about what happened and to give it to me when the time was right
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
We drank vodka and koolaid through a traffic cone. It got rowdy.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Id like to submit an apology whenever you feel like talking.
Its not gonna be for awhile Im not a very forgiving person especially since you TOTALED MY FUCKING CAR.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
