forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.
one two three fourrrrnication!
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
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Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
I left my bra and a book at his place. He's a hot Scandinavian who is into physics and computers - had to step up my game.
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
You kept ranting how Captain Planet is getting shortchanged in the superhero department. Other than that you kept it together
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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