Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
a lady just got escorted out of the bar because she came in carrying a can of gasoline while smoking a cigarette....this place is the definition of class
my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.
We just took shots out of seashells. Welcome spring break 10.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
If you wake up, and some of your hair is singed off, it probably has something to do with the lit cigarette you put in your hair. You said it could double as a bobby pin...?
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