Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
Just got the test results back. All clean, Now whose an idiot for going bareback in South America for 3 months straight.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
HE'S BRINGING FRIED MAC AND CHEESE BITES. I GET FRIED MAC AND CHEESE AND SEX PEOPLE. BEST WEDNESDAY EVER.
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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