I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
Blood and glitter go together right?
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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