Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I think I sharted a yagerbomb.
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
Hahahaha who is sleeping in the garage on our beer pong table?
The sex is great, I just think it'd be better if we listened to Deftones during it.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
In case you were wondering I realized something last night, Rick James was correct. Cocaine is a hell of a drug.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
Randomize
