A guy at the bar bought me a jag bomb because I'm the chick that frosts his donuts at KT. Never have I been more proud of being a failure at life.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Do you think the hole in the ceiling will count against our security deposit?
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
Randomize
