We're like a lot better than the average bears
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
Wake up we need to beat the walk of shame rush hour
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
