Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?
i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor
Some Russian dude just came up to us and I'm pretty sure he offered his girlfriend to have sex for 80 bucks. Whoever said porn movies were unrealistic.
Who knew that "When in doubt, pelvic thrust" would end up being the best motto ever? In other news, I think I may have joined roller derby.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
i may or may not be making depth charges with cough syrup. i'll call you if i survive.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
Never admit to being cold at those things. That is how you end up waking up the next morning naked under animal pelts... or so I have heard.
enjoying your night?
do dogs like to salsa?
I dont know if that answers my question or not
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
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