i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
Nights of college: 1. Virgins: 1. Yes.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
I have just found the cubicle of sustenance. And I will rejoice at all the families that have not found this magic. This vodka cubicle of magic.
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
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