A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I just took boredom to a whole new level. I just auto-tuned and remixed today's western civ lecture
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
His balls are like really small, like dog sized balls. It was a weird discovery. Ever done a guy with dog sized balls?
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
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