lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
Well the bottom line is that I had to completely coat my testicles in Neosporin.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I IMAGINED YOU YELLING SURPRISE WITH JAZZ HANDS. AND I LOVE YOU FOREVER
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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