Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
