I think my fart just growled at me.
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
My tub is filled with twinkies which would be awesome if they were still wrapped and not floating in a mixture of bath water and what appears to be vomit.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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