im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
I answered the door to some Jehovah Witnesses hungover and wearing nothing but a white tshirt. I think they made it the church goal to reform me, we've gotten four pamphlets. My mom's going to make me convert if they keep coming.
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
The girl beside me at the laundromat is bitching a guy out on the phone for jizzing on her bedspread. She had to use a triple machine to wash it.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
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