and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
she is legit wearing a plastic bag around her neck as a necklace. she says it serves two purposes.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
We won like $80 last night at the casino, so if we get the Plan B we still have enough to get your basic bitch latte from Dunkin. Calm down.
Randomize
