Where are you?
In a non slutty way
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.
You should get more absorbent shoes.
All I remember is mattress sliding down the stairs while giving him a blow-job. Sorry you had to witness the incident.
I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.
the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
he sent me a picture of him holding out his pinky so we could pinky promise. i have to fuck him now
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