Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm
i googled "the goonies drinking game." i may be alone, but i'm living the college dream.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
idk what happened last night but i just wokeup with nothing on but a necklace...what is this, the fucking titanic?
I guess I asked for the two old strippers numbers at the end of the bar and it turned out to be the bartenders mom and aunt...
Randomize
