I just found a Chris Hansen soundboard online, care to guess what I'll be doing all day?
just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
Things my liver can't take in one weekend. Surprise nights off at work and male strippers. Woke up jaundiced.
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
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