I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
You broke out your mechano set and told us you were gonna "build us a beer machine" and 5 min later you were fast asleep
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
After 7 months of nothing.. shall we throw your vagina a party? as its reinstatement into society?
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
Randomize
