I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
I just need to find someone whose kink is financial submission.
Got arrested last night. My cell mate just added me on Facebook.
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
