i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I just watched her pee in a trashcan, im still probably going to fuck her, what does that say about my standards
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
the hole that the tears left- fill it with pizza
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
Randomize
