ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
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