I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
When he was going down on me I referred to him as "Lord Snow" and HE GOT IT. HE GOT THE GAME OF THRONES REFERENCE. I AM IN LOVE
At leat we can cross off 'having sex in a classroom' on our bucket list.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
