my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
She jumped on a table and took off her shirt and started yelling things that no one understood. For being 3, she has a dead on impression of a drunk party girl.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
