I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.
Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
i dont remember how or why, but i now have 3 coupons for a free BJ from Anise stapled to my right arm.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
