I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger
You are the reason we need health care reform
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Having a dry hump session to Alvin and the chipmunks surprisingly didn't kill the mood. He's that good.
You can't call dibs 8 years later.
apparently the last bar didn't like my halloween costume with syringes filled with whiskey
Because I can't get laid, I'm day-drinking and hunting squirrels in the backyard. You can take the girl out of Montana...
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Ya, so he said he had to change before he would go to Pizza Hut because he pissed himself. He ran into his house and came back wearing a cowboy hat.........and his piss covered jeans.
Well I'm sorry but he seemed so happy being drunk at noon.
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
The cat ate a weed mint. This is not a drill
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
Randomize
