First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
He wouldnt stop screaming that he wanted a trashcan WITH a lid. Whats so necassary about a lid
well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
he got all sad that i was going to fuck his roommate, so i just asked him if it would make him feel better if I let him motor boat me. i am such a saint.
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
When your job has killed your spirit to the point that you don't want to flirt with the cute, tall guy at Enterprise
GIRL PLEASE. GO BACK AND POP THE TITTY OUT
I took a picture of you last night while you were drunk, trying to smoke a bowl through your nose. It's now your contact id.
So today was the first day i've been sober since Wednesday according to my roommate!
Ummm so he didn't think I was serious about breaking up... Most awkward conversation ever
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