The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
Everyone here is taking crazy amounts of mescaline and I'm just over here like hey have you tried the pretzel rolls mmm
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
got laid for being an eagle scout again. 4 more and ill have all my merit badges.
Randomize
