My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
I wish I could drop acid with the muppets
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
You should have just fucked me in the bathroom when you had a chance!
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
Why are we so out going and care free I can't wait for maturity to kick in so we stop having 700 dollar bar tabs
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
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