True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..
We discussed how many times we've passed out during sex. The answers may shock you.
Just ignore the penis. It's won't bother you. I promise.
I feel like a weird modern Betty Crocker. I'm icing a cake and looking at gay porn, if that's not an accurate portrayal of the 21st century idk what is.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
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