it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
i think the sales of Rosetta Stone are directly related to the size of that woman's tit's
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
its like national bring your ginger to the pool day or something
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
i don't know man... i just want to listen to John Lennon every time i finish fucking her. is this love?
you know that australian accents are like the bat signal to my vagina
Was I drunk or did Alex not show up with 100 rainbow Jell-O shots?
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
How's moving going?
Uh, we're on the way to the store to buy more booze
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