My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
he farted when he came. not the best ending to my day.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I hope our bodies realize that workaholics starts tomorrow and will be well enough to handle the hell we are going to put them through. amen.
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
I could be busy drinking my face off and getting red white and bruised per usual
You also thought the cure to hiccups was drowning yourself (and you were right)
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
ok first of all what the fuck
Randomize