There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I just want a better ending for myself. Not walking around with one sock on and my bush hanging out.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
Stay Away From These 29 Online Dating Red Flags
If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
Just got back from fathers day breakfast. So hungover i couldn't eat so i just slipped my food in my pockets and threw it out while i puked in the bathroom.
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
21 Rideshare Drivers Had to Drive These NSFW Passengers
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux