the beds are so narrow its like a jenga threesome
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
The hair on my legs is officially flapping in the breeze when I walk. I must say, being single does have perks and this is one of them.
Girl... I just woke up with a bloody mary in a to go cup on my nightstand and two hours late for work.. I'm sorry i can't go out on weekdays anymore. Luckily my boss was just happy i was ok
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
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