Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
50% drunk capacity currently
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
Randomize
