You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
Randomize
