You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
Do I have to formally apologize to Brett for flashing him?
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
Hey I'm sorry for head butting you last night. Personally I thought it was funny at the time, but I can see how from your perspective it may not have been as enjoyable for you... Hope your lip is okay.
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
i feel like if we ever had babies together they would just be drunk all the time
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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