Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Reggie can tackle my bush.
she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.
I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
so i fell out of a tree on the ave last night. someone told me there was alcohol at the top. bastards.
Randomize
