Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
Why did you load my phone up with pics of Al Gore?
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
