He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
Woke up on the kitchen floor cuddling with the dummy we made of you. Hope your internship is going well.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
For the record, if you sneeze while you have a dildo in your vagina and you dont have a good grip on it, that thing can get some distance.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
Randomize
