So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
He yelled GOOOOAAAALLL when he came.
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
a guy offered me a piece of pizza if I'd make out with a random girl. We got the whole damn box and I ain't even mad
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
I have the liquor shits and this time, it's personal.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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