The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Pounding your chest saying "me Tarzan" is not flirting or even talking
the new numbers in my phone would beg to differ
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
Went home w the NY Islander in a NY Rangers jersey, needless to say he was pissed
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
Success! We fucked roommates!
The bar brought brought it upon themselves, they played billy joels piano man before closing, it's not our fault the bar isn't a bar anymore, right?
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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