There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
