The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
i climbed out of the bath tub this morning and found him taped to the treadmill
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I've faked every orgasm I've ever had, I think I can fake being sick for 8 hours.
Randomize
