I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Hold on. At Sephora trying to decide what despair smells like.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Idk I was embarrassed that I hit it too hard so I played it off by spitting out bong water like a 'whales blowhole'
SOME BITCH AT THE HOSTEL STOLE MY NUT BUTTER THERE WILL BE BLOOD
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Did I call him? He cried after taking my bra off. You tell me.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
